Preacher Tom in the House

So I used to be a fundamentalist Christian and loved to tell people they were going to hell. I was well into all the wailing and gnashing of teeth whilst Satan shoved a fork up your bum. It didn’t take long for me to realise I was being a right dick and had to reassess my beliefs and my morality. After all, telling people they’re going to hell doesn’t make you top of the list for invites to dinner parties and I love a good meal out. 

So, eventually I swung in the other direction and became an atheist (yeah, I have to do it by extremes) but in the ‘transition’ there were still moments I had to try and appease the shift. What I mean by this is I was heavily involved in public speaking (preaching) and would be invited to do church services, etc after I had stopped believing. 

A few years ago, not too long after my journey to disbelief (yup my blog title has a reason), my mum phoned me. She’s part of the Women’s Section of her local Royal British Legion and they have an annual Harvest Festival Service and she wondered if I could run the service. Now, she knew I was no longer a believer but my twin bro (who’s a Rev) was meant to be doing it, but at the last minute was unable to attend. It was too short notice to get anyone else and she wondered if I could fill the gap. 

I gently explained that it was going to be difficult for her now atheist son to run a religious service but she was desperate, so for some bizarre reason I agreed to do it and somehow not give away that I no longer believed.  I wasn’t going to impersonate my twin but I was kinda hoping most of the old ladies would assume I was the Rev and go with the flow.

The parts I found tricky were two of the major parts to a service such as this:  the preach and the prayers.  I was scared to preach because I was going to have to use the Bible without being struck down by lightning and find myself being anally compromised by Satan in the next life.  The prayers were also tricky because I couldn’t actually say out loud prayers to the Big G upstairs as I no longer believed he existed.  I also felt like one of those televangelists just spouting bullshit to the unsuspecting public.

A quandary I was in.

Let’s just say I managed to blag it by referring to the wonder of nature as it was harvest and using very vague pseudo-religious language without lying my arse off. No one seemed to notice and I even had quite a few compliments for my deeply spiritual service.  Now either I’m good at bullshit or it shows the state of the church that an atheist can hold a service for half an hour and no one notices.

Anyhow, I’m available for weddings and baptisms. 

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