Meme Wars

“Honestly, he’s the funniest guy I’ve ever met. You really need to meet him,” Jessica said.

Her words feel like she’d kicked me in the knackers.  Funniest guy I’ve ever met.  At that moment I would rather have heard her ask me to watch them both engage in fellatio.  How had I become the runner-up in the funny man stakes? 

I’m a bloody hoot. 

I found myself enter into a weird existential crisis of humour and my mouth went dry with the pressure of continuing to be funny in the shadow of Duncan.  Duncan. 

“Dunkin’ Donut Duncan is that funny is he?”

Jessica laughed. Bring it on, Duncan.  “He called himself that the other day!” said Jessica seeming to whimsically think about Duncan’s superior wit. 

For fuck’s sake. 

“Actually, you’ve reminded me, funny story about the other day- ”

Jessica cut me off, staring at her phone and laughing, “Sorry, babe,” (babe?!) “Duncan’s just sent me the best meme. It’s hilarious. Look!”

She shoved the phone in my face to show a meme with Leo toasting a martini and the words ‘Here’s to memes making the world a better place.’

I fake laughed and said, “Very funny. I love memes.” I was pretty sure I sent her that the other day. Would have to check my phone later.  Code Red was blasting through my brain; this guy used memes and was self-deprecating. My two biggest humour weapons.  Shit, what other humour weapons did he possess that meant he was funnier than me?

I was starting to panic because all that was passing through my mind were knock knock jokes and a guy walks into a bar jokes.  My brain had somehow regressed into that of a ten year old child who thought Boo Who? was a hilarious punchline to a knock knock joke.  Panic stations, Duncan was sucking the humour from me. 

Okay, be cool. You’re a funny guy. 

“So, I was saying, the other day, it was so funny when-“

Jessica stopped me mid-sentence again, “Oh my god! He’s hilarious! Look!”

Yeah, another fucking meme. Well played, Duncan. And yet another meme I’m sure I had sent last week. 

Fake laughing again (I was getting good at it), “I love that one. I sent it to you last week.”

“Did you? I think this one’s different. It’s so funny,” she said. 

Wow. Not sure how ten words could basically make me feel like reasonable behaviour is to metaphorically sodomise another man’s life.  I wondered how sane it would be to research Duncan’s family on Facebook, find where they live, hold them hostage, murder them, take photos, make memes out of it and then drip feed those pictures to the prick for the next two years until he gets PTSD and freaks out every time he see a meme.

That’s love – you have to show your commitment.   Nothing’s too much when you want to let a girl know you like her. 

Anyhow, after fantasising about how to psychologically cripple Duncan I thought it would be more reasonable to try and bring my humour game back.  I’d been in this position before, where some Duncan-esque dick brought his limited humour game to the table.  I shook off my humour sucking fears and said, “I have this great story about Duncan.”

“About Duncan?”

“Yeah, it’s brilliant.”

I didn’t have a story about Duncan. Never met the guy before. He was cock blocking me though. There’s always a story about a cock blocker when you’re, well, being cock blocked. 

“Didn’t know you knew him,” Jessica said. 

“Only met him couple of times,” I said.  “Poor guy.”

That hooked her in. “Oh my god, what happened?”

Okay, I’m not a very nice guy.  I was about to share a fake story about pathetic Duncan

But I’m pathetic, so I figure it’s a level playing field. 

“You can’t repeat this. He’d be so embarrassed.”

Can’t stress enough how satisfying it was to see her excited about hearing a fake story about a guy I didn’t know that was going to ruin her respect for him. I didn’t even know what I was going to say so blurted out, “He shit himself in a club.”

Ever seen a person’s face go from inquisitive, to doubtful, to shocked, to disgusted?

It’s a beautiful thing when it’s your crush and you’re trying to make sure another guy has zero chance with her. I mean what girl is going to kiss a guy when at the back of her mind is whether she can smell poo.  I felt a pang of guilt because Jessica clearly trusted me and believed those five words without question. Then she laughed a belly laugh and my guilt dispersed like a crowd of football hooligans being tear gassed. 

Jessica’s phone vibrated. It was Duncan. Jessica shuddered.


“He attached the poo emoji to this meme. Gross.” Jessica locked her phone without replying to his message.

Oh Duncan.

She left you on read. 

Bet that’s shit for you. 

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